


simply a shock

by feverbeats



Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2019-08-25
Packaged: 2020-09-26 13:47:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20390695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feverbeats/pseuds/feverbeats
Summary: Martin doesn't know that he's ever touched anyone, or been touched, without some kind of violence ensuing.





	simply a shock

**Author's Note:**

> I'm into the beginning of season 2 and this is what I'm about forever now.Additional warnings: mention of canonical CSA. Title from "At Long Last Love," obvs. This story is super tiny and has [a super tiny playlist that goes with it.](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3FCX1vmEtpdj8kTkpbkzzv)

**a very strange, enchanted boy**

Martin Chatwin believes.

He believes that if you do good things, good things happen to you. Why not? In the world of fairy tales, there are those rules.

He believes in Fillory from the moment he steps into it. The more difficult life outside Fillory becomes, the more Martin believes that Fillory will save him, because surely he deserves to be saved, and surely if he deserves it, it will happen. You suffer until you earn a reprieve.

Martin even believes in Ember and Umber.

It's just that belief has never been enough. It's not even relevant to the situation.

**it's only a paper moon**

Martin doesn't understand why he's locked out of Fillory now. Part of him is beginning to suspect that it's because of something he did (or something that was done to him, but ultimately, really, something he will be the one punished for). It doesn't make sense, though. Don't the gods have a sense of justice? (Oh, Martin. The gods merely have a sense of humor.)

Martin doesn't understand what it is that makes Jane better than him. He doesn't understand why he's been left behind.

Martin doesn't yet understand that life is just shit forever, but very soon he will.

**i have stocked my heart with icy, frigid air**

It's hard to say when Martin became the Beast, but it was before anyone called him that. Someone who would drink from the Wellspring, someone who would sever his shade, (someone who couldn't protect himself), surely that person is a Beast.

The first time Martin realizes he doesn't feel afraid or hurt or even angry anymore is freeing. Of course, it's also monstrous. What to make of it? Is he a worse person for not wanting to suffer? It seems the answer is yes.

But nobody will touch him again. And he will touch no one. No friends, no lovers.

**is it an earthquake or simply a shock?**

Martin doesn't know that he's ever touched anyone, or been touched, without some kind of violence ensuing. His choice of Eliot Waugh feels random, simply an easy inroad, but later he lets himself wonder. When Eliot is asleep, Martin closes his (borrowed) eyes and feels all the parts of himself Eliot has touched. Eliot is surprisingly assertive in bed, and Martin lets himself (lets Mike) be everything Eliot wants.

There would have been simpler ways to go about it. Martin isn't someone who makes many mistakes, these days. If he does, nobody would dare notice. Nobody would dare say so.

**that old black magic**

And now Eliot is king, which is hilarious, infuriating, all things Martin has made very sure he can't feel again. Perhaps he sensed Eliot's royal blood, and that's why he chose him.

That would make sense, yes?

Martin is troubled (should he feel troubled?) that he's still able to imagine Eliot's hands on him, and that he feels anything other than disgust. Martin has decades on Eliot, and so many tricks Eliot has never dreamed of. This will be easy, the cutting out of weakness. It's how kings behave.

He is going to curse Eliot to death. Because otherwise, otherwise.

**just a talent to amuse**

Julia Wicker hates Martin's singing. She hates his dancing. But Martin doesn't think she hates him.

Julia's so much harder than he ever was. He kills, but she freezes people out so killing isn't necessary. She's dedicated, serious, powerful. Being serious has burned out of him, and emotion remains inaccessible except through song.

He's careful never to touch her. He considers laying a patronizing hand on her shoulder occasionally to make a point, but he senses an intense gratitude radiating from her when he keeps his distance, and oh, he understands. Neither of them is broken, but they're both particular.

**mad about the boy**

"Hey," Julia says. "You're zoned out again. You're possessing someone, aren't you?"

She's so matter-of-fact, untroubled. He comes back to himself and hopes she doesn't notice the blue moth.

"Someone close to Eliot," she says.

How she's worked this out about him, he doesn't know. He's too close to her. To many things.

Julia crosses her arms and looks at him as if he's a friend who's trying to date a boy with a motorcycle. "You're probably possessing his wife or his hot bodyguard or something."

"He's an adversary," Martin says lightly.

"Is that what they call it?" Julia asks.

**you're the top, you're a berlin ballad**

"Hey, Martin?" She's started calling him that without commentary. "You aren't singing to _me_, are you?"

Martin pauses, hand out. "Do you dance?"

"No," she says, her creaky little voice threaded through with a self-conscious laugh. "I--no."

"You know the song," Martin says.

"Yeah." She tucks her hands under his armpits. "It's from that musical."

"Then sing," Martin suggests, not really expecting her to. That's what makes her so wonderful; she doesn't do what anyone says.

But she opens her mouth, and then they're exchanging compliments as they bounce the lyrics back and forth.

And Martin feels--something. Maybe simply seen.


End file.
